


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,175

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [53]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 19:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8413351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The weekly satirical saga continues, as Obi and Boba ride in the belly of a beast!
www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	

TATOOINE - Day 1,175:

The rays from the morning suns glistened off the back of the space slug, as the Gamorrean guards prepared the giant creature for its journey through the planet's core. I had still not gotten the chance to discuss things with Boba Fett, but learning that he was accompanying me on this voyage I felt that I had plenty of time. So I hung back and watched as the sensors were attached to the outside of the slug. I was told that these would be used for controlling its direction. 

Once preparations were complete Jabba's droid instructed Boba Fett and I to climb into the pill shaped transport. There were two seats in front of a control panel and a cargo compartment in the back, and nothing else. "You might want to strap yourself in, Kenobi," Boba suggested. So following his lead, I did just that. 

Outside, the Gamorrean guards did something to the space slug that made it bellow in pain. Before I was able to look around to see what was happening, our transport was shot into the slug's mouth and quickly attached itself to the inner wall of its throat. 

"Wow," I began, "and I thought they smelled bad on the..."

"Yes, yes," Boba interrupted, "I know the joke."

Yikes, with that kind of attitude this was going to be a long trip. 

Boba checked the controls and informed me that we were ready to dive. The Exogorth lifted its head and then rapidly thrust itself downward into the sand. As it chewed its way through the top layers, I could see on the control panel how quickly we were making progress. Then we hit bedrock and the slug slowed considerably. The sound of the giant boulders banging into our transport as they made their way down the creature’s throat was deafening. 

"Noise dampeners engaged!" Boba yelled over the din, and the transport was suddenly engulfed in complete silence. Boba must have noticed me watching the constant stream of rocks moving past us because he volunteered the following information, "The Exogorth sucks the minerals out of the rocks and leaves a trail of poodoo in its wake."

"Interesting," I smirked and stole a glance of Boba, "but when are we going to discuss the giant space slug in the room?"

"What's to discuss?" Boba seemed defensive. "But I would like to know why you felt it was okay to offer my ship to that boy and Wookiee?"

"I am sorry about that. But Kilgore was getting away and they needed to free the Wookiee prisoners. Besides, I didn't think you'd mind because of the condition you were in."

"You mean, blown to bits?!" Boba barely raised his voice, but the anger was there regardless. 

"Well Boba, we were trapped in a bubble force field together and you had a bomb strapped to your back. I did the best I could."

Boba stared down at the controls, refusing to look at me. "But you left me with Stormtroopers!"

"All of us had to keep moving, and it was the only way to save your life. They seem to have taken good care of you."

Now Boba raised his head and looked at me. "You have no idea, Kenobi. They replaced all my limbs with synthetic ones. They also built me this suit, which keeps me alive. I'll never again be able to take it off."

Yet another pathetic life form I'm responsible for putting in a life suit. "I'm sorry, Boba. It's amazing that you even survived."

"Well I did, thanks to the Empire. But now I'm forever indebted to Darth Vader, and will be his lapdog until the end of my days."

I shook my head, "I'm sorry for that. It wasn't my intention to have you..."

"No," he hesitated, "Ben, I am sorry. I was weak minded and Kilgore made me do things I never would have done under normal circumstances. Well, not without the right amount of credits involved. I can't explain how violated I felt."

"If you remember," I smiled at him, "I once tried the Jedi mind trick on you and it didn't work. So you are not weak minded, it's that Kilgore was just too strong."

"I killed that bastard for what he did to my father, and to me."

"I know, Boba. I saw the whole thing go down. I was watching from off in the distance. So," now I was getting into the nitty gritty, "how do you feel since you got your revenge?"

"It felt empowering...at first. Now I feel this empty void in my life that I can't seem to fill."

"Really?" There was still hope for Boba. 

"Just kidding! I feel friggin AMAZING!"

"Alrighty then," I said, shaking my head. 

"There is good news," Boba said. "I'm fairly certain I know where the boy and Wookiee are."

"How could you know that?!" I suddenly felt as giddy as a youngling training with Master Yoda (before Anakin slaughtered them all).

"What?" Boba chuckled. "You don't think I can track my own ship?"

"So where are they?"

Boba paused for a moment, possibly for dramatic effect, but I felt like he was just being a jerk. "They have been making covert trips to the surface of Kashyyyk."

"They're liberating Wookiee slaves!"

"Yeah, I don't really care. I just want the Slave I back."

"I tell you what you magnificent bastard, as soon as we're able to find Owen Lars, you contact your ship and I'll request for them to return it as soon as ASAP! How's that sound, champ?"

At first Boba seemed to ignore me, then he finally said in a completely monotone voice, "Sure."

We continued to burrow through the planet for several hours, chitchatting on and off, but never discussing anything more profound than we already had. Then the space slug broke the surface and we came crashing down on the other side of Tatooine. 

"We made it," Boba informed me. "Listen, this might not actually be what..."

Muted explosions came from outside of the slug. The creature began shrieking and flailing about as if in overwhelming pain. Boba quickly punched a button in the center of the console. 

"What does that do?" I asked. 

"That releases the smoke that will cause the Exogorth to sneeze us out."

"Ingenius." I was honestly impressed. 

"Isn't it though?" But it didn't work. Apparently whatever was attacking the slug had killed it, thus no sneezing reflex. 

We blew open the hatch and I was immediately overpowered by the smell of smoke and Exogorth innards. "I suppose your helmet filters out the noxious fumes?"

"Yup," Boba chuckled. 

Jerk. 

We dropped out of the transport and slid down the slimy, mucus lined throat. My robe became drenched with a reddish green sludge that smelled like a Gungan's rotting corpse. 

Turning to Boba Fett I stated, "I guess there's only one way out." I drew my saber and plunged it into the slug's inner lining of its throat. What I could only imagine was blood exploded into my face. Boba took out Mace Windu's old saber and joined me in the carnage. 

"You know," I said, "you're really missing out."

"On what?"

"On the wonderful smells we've discovered," I laughed in an attempt to not vomit. "Smoke, guts, blood, and now burning flesh! It's a virtual potpourri of filth. Makes me want to cut my nose off!"

Just as I said that, we broke through the outer layer of skin. Ripping ourselves out of the creature’s flesh, and covered in goo, it must have appeared that the space slug was giving birth to us. And as I wiped the smegma from my eyes and noticed the thousands of Tuskens that surrounded us, I wondered if they too found it amusing that the Exogorth had just given birth to us.


End file.
